All I wanted was a new PC monitor.
Quite a simple task you would think. Go into a store, choose one, take it to the check out and pay with my hard earned cash.
Easy.
No.
For two weeks that simple task, the right to freedom of purchasing any item you want, proved more difficult than I had ever imagined.
Near impossible.
In fact it was impossible.
I would have had more chance of purchasing a gold plated leprechaun sitting on a well hung unicorn.
I had decided on a new LED Samsung 32 inch monitor. Nothing unusual, in fact quite average. Cash in hand I entered a store. The store of choice being Staples/Office Outlet. I had done my research online. They were the cheapest. I saw the one I wanted on display. Hunted for a sales assistant. None about. Must all be out the back on Facebook. Or having a fag. I tutted. Never one around when you bloody need one I said to myself. Ten minutes later I found one. He was busying himself stacking pencils in a pot. Really intensely doing this task as if his job depended on it. In fact It most likely did. I asked for help, if this particular monitor was in stock. Off he waddled, hands in pockets, not saying a word. Five minutes later he came back, empty handed.
"No mate, got none in." He said as he sniffed, looking for his pencil pot.
"Oh, I said, never mind. Any idea when you will please?"
He glared at me, hatred in his eyes. He huffed and as he did he mumbled. "Nope, no idea mate."
I walked out of the store.
What a useless twat.
Oh well, plenty more stores who will want my business. After all we are in a potential global economic meltdown and shops will virtually mug me of my cash when I walk in.
A few days later I tried Staples/Office Outlet again, but this time in a different town. I entered, saw it on display. Again hunted for a sales assistant, anybody, even a cleaner would do. It doesn't take much to enter a code into a computer to check the stock. Nope, nobody about. I asked the bored looking person attending the check out if anybody could help.
"Everybody all at lunch." She said, with the look that she wanted her lunch also and to not deal with me.
"Well can you check the stock please?" I said.
"No, not my job. Sorry".
At least she apologised.
How bloody difficult is this going to be.
"Can you get somebody to help me, who's job it is to help me, find out if something is in stock?" I asked.
She picked up a phone and called "Dave" (name changed to protect the useless) and asked him to "come to the front of the store, somebody needs you". At last, I was getting somewhere. I was looking forward to meeting "Dave".
Obviously he didn't feel the same.
Over he shuffled, from the back of the store. Face still munching on his lunch. He walked straight past me. He looked at the girl on the check out, she looked at him and pointed over his head to me.
"Yes mate, what's up?" He said in between still munching a mouthful of his disturbed lunch.
"I would like to buy that Samsung monitor you have, the one that is on offer at £99 and is advertised as "New Just In."
Within two seconds I knew what he had been eating for lunch, as a spittle of cheese burger hit my face as he burst out laughing.
Oh, no chance as in he wasn't going to help me or no chance as in no chance of having any.
"Pardon?" I said.
He was till struggling to speak. "Shortage of monitors in the whole of the country. No chance of getting one. We have loads of people calling us, coming in here wanting them. All sold, no chance of getting one. Sorry".
He swallowed a large chewed stored bundle of cheese burger.
"But the item is described as New In Store." I said. "That means it's new in so you should be stock holding it, for all these people who are calling in and visiting the store who want to purchase one."
He swallowed another large chewed stored bundle of cheese burger. "Yeah, well it's a demand thing. Got no chance of getting any."
Oh. "Can you check another store for me, perhaps they could get one here and I could collect it?" I asked helpfully and hopefully.
"No point, the whole of the country hasn't got any. No idea why as everybody these days use iPads. Best to try play.com or Amazon." He spat.
I walked away, shaking my head. I left him to swallow his lunch. He's most likely still there.
The useless, burger munching, fuck pipe.
I drove to Comet. I walked in. Greeted by a man holding a clipboard.
"Afternoon sir, can we help you with anything." he said.
Good start.
"I'm just going to have a look for something". I said.
I walked over to the monitors. They had one on display, it was £10 cheaper. Excellent. I looked for one boxed up. Couldn't find one. I asked a sales assistant who was nearby if he could check stock.
"Just that one, that's all we have." He said.
"I don't want that one, I want a new one that's not a display model" I said. "Can you check stock please."
He did, whilst also trying to help 3 other customers at the same time. This guy could multi task. I stood there like a huge knob, whilst he helped other customers, with me trying to also ask if he could bloody check the stock.
20 minutes later I was walking out the store. I had given up waiting. I was being ignored.
As I walked out, the same chap with the clipboard asked me "Did you find everything you wanted sir?" I didn't look at him, but did say out loud "NO I FUCKING DIDN'T," whilst resisting the urge to grab his clipboard and shove it in his mouth sideways.
A few days later when I regained my quest for a monitor again. I looked online. I will do their jobs for them. I will check the stores stock. I will reserve one. I will collect it from store. Yes, who needs a useless twat in a cheap ill fitting uniform to laugh in my face, or to ignore me.
I checked on Comet's web site. My local store was showing 2 in stock. Excellent. I reserved one. Got emailed my reservation confirmation saying it will be reserved in store for collection within 30 minutes and I will even get a phone call to confirm this. Brilliant. Nice and easy. Why had I not done this before I thought. I relaxed. Had a cup of coffee. Had a bit of breakfast. Knowing that my new monitor was being picked, stored and readied for collection.
No phone call received. Didn't matter, I was now driving to the store. In I walked, reservation in hand. Over to the collection desk I strutted. It was being manned by a very stressed MILF, who was trying to deal with 2 equally stressed customers. I stood patiently waiting my turn. She looked at me and asked if she could help.
"Oh, it's OK" I said. "I can see you are busy with these two customers, I can wait."
I think she was bored of those two customers as she saw I had a reservation in my hand, grabbed it and punched the numbers into her screen. Taking out her frustration on the poor monitor, whilst the two stressed customers looked disgusted and shrugged their shoulders.
She called over "Dave" (name changed to protect the useless), who also went to have a look whilst she carried on arguing with stressed customer number 5 by now.
He came back.
"Sorry, only got two that are on display. Do you want one?" Said "Dave".
I would have showed him my reservation but the stressed assistant who was dealing with stressed customer number 6 by this point, still had it and was writing something on the back of it whilst talking to stressed customer number 7.
"No, I want one that is not on display. I have reserved one. That's the one I want." I demanded.
"We only have the two on display, do you want one?" He again said.
I repeated what I had just said, but this time quite a bit firmer. When I say firmer, I mean almost shouting. "Well" said "Dave", "You see the web site says we have 2 in stock which we do. But it doesn't know that we have put them out on display."
Fucking useless.
"Why does it not say that on the web site?" I asked.
He said "It ain't that clever mate."
I asked "Can you check the other stores please?"
He said "they haven't got any".
He's clever, he knew that even without checking.
I stormed out shouting "FUCKING USELESS TWATS".
The stressed customers and the stressed assistant looked at me. Half of them also nodded. Including the stressed assistant.
I walked next door into Staples/Office Outlet again. By this time I was going to buy any bloody monitor. I was desperate. I was stressed. I wanted this whole thing over with. If they had one for £500 I would buy it. I didn't care. I would buy anything.
I was a retailer's wet dream.
They had no stock. Nothing. I walked out. I had no energy left to even shake my head.
Next I walked into PC World. Straight over to the monitors. Loads on display. I looked below and saw loads in boxes, all new, all waiting to be purchased, all waiting for me. My spirits lifted. My quest for life lifted. My desire for life and to live on this great earth came back. I saw an angel from the heavens come down and appear before me.
She said "Hello sir, can I help you with anything?"
I snapped out of my daze. I blinked.
My angel was dressed in a PC World uniform.
"Here you go sir, anything else I can help you with?"
I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to go down on my knees and worship the ground she walked on. In fact I wanted to marry her.
"No thank you." I said.
I walked to the check out, paid another angel for it and walked out.
This whole saga was over. I drove home in a daze. I unpacked it, plugged it in, switched it on. All fine. Perfect. I snapped back to reality.
All was well again.
PC World, I love you.
No wonder this country's economy and the retail industry has been flushed down the shitter.
It's run by fucking twats.
(DISCLAIMER: A couple of these stores no longer exist. I blame "Dave")
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